This is just the begining

As I said before, serious issues with commitment, so much to the point that almost everything, with the exception of my marriage, I have started, failed. My husband is surprisingly being very supportive. He has taken all the opportunities shown to him to help me in every way possible. He bought me this new laptop I am using to allow me the opportunity to do all the writing I need without any interruption. I can hide wherever I need to. He also jumped at the opportunity to get me an iPod for my workouts, I told him it would help me if I could have some kind of distraction from what I was doing. And I was so right, by the way (but I will get to that later). Even now, as I sit here pounding away at the keys, I can't help but wonder how long this will last. Everything that I have every tried to do for myself, I have failed at, or just gave up prematurely. Every diet. Every workout plan. And the craziest part is, I could actually being seeing results and I would still loose interest and give up, or maybe the results were not instant enough for me. I am an instant gratification type person. I mean, I couldn't even get through high school, for Pete's sake. The only thing I have ever been able to keep up over a long period of time (other than my marriage) was being an addict. I kept up with that for a little over five years...or so. My addiction was pills. if it wasn't FDA approved, I didn't want anything to do with it. And, there was really only one kind of pills that interested me, the kind that stopped the pain. Maybe, I was hiding from what I had become. There I found myself, in my early twenties, married (as happy as I was) with three kids. No career. No education. No friends. I didn't even have any hobbies. Well...I guess I did have one hobby. My drugs were my hobby and I was good at it. When I finally decided to clean up my act, I asked a pharmacist friend about the damage that I could suffer. He asked me the quantity and frequency of what I had taken daily and went to make some calculations. He came back white as a ghost, which alarmed me, of course. He informed me, that I should have died three times a day. Every day I should have died three times. Man, can you wrap your mind around that? I sure couldn't. At first, I thought I was the luckiest person on the face of the planet. It wasn't until later, like two years later, that I realized that I must have some purpose here on this earth. Something pretty important. So important that God saw fit to spare my life so many times a day. I didn't linger on that fact long though, I just figured that when the time came to do whatever it was that I was here to do, that I would know it. But, the time just keeps slipping away and I have never really found anything that resembled a purpose. Don't misunderstand me, I am a wife and a mother, so I have a purpose. But for other people, if that makes any sense to you? Let me explain, I am a wife, so it is my job to be the best wife I can for my husband. I want to do everything I can possibly do to make this man happy. And I am a mother, so it is my job to raise these kids the right way. To raise them up in the Lord, to teach them to love by the way I love them, to inspire them to become better people. What is my personal purpose though? What am I contributing to the world, to my community or even, to my family? Who am I? Do i know who I am outside of my family? As I said before, I do have a name. I am my own person. So, my conclusion, how do I take this new found motivation, inspiration and sense of self and apply it to my life?