This is just the begining

As I said before, serious issues with commitment, so much to the point that almost everything, with the exception of my marriage, I have started, failed. My husband is surprisingly being very supportive. He has taken all the opportunities shown to him to help me in every way possible. He bought me this new laptop I am using to allow me the opportunity to do all the writing I need without any interruption. I can hide wherever I need to. He also jumped at the opportunity to get me an iPod for my workouts, I told him it would help me if I could have some kind of distraction from what I was doing. And I was so right, by the way (but I will get to that later). Even now, as I sit here pounding away at the keys, I can't help but wonder how long this will last. Everything that I have every tried to do for myself, I have failed at, or just gave up prematurely. Every diet. Every workout plan. And the craziest part is, I could actually being seeing results and I would still loose interest and give up, or maybe the results were not instant enough for me. I am an instant gratification type person. I mean, I couldn't even get through high school, for Pete's sake. The only thing I have ever been able to keep up over a long period of time (other than my marriage) was being an addict. I kept up with that for a little over five years...or so. My addiction was pills. if it wasn't FDA approved, I didn't want anything to do with it. And, there was really only one kind of pills that interested me, the kind that stopped the pain. Maybe, I was hiding from what I had become. There I found myself, in my early twenties, married (as happy as I was) with three kids. No career. No education. No friends. I didn't even have any hobbies. Well...I guess I did have one hobby. My drugs were my hobby and I was good at it. When I finally decided to clean up my act, I asked a pharmacist friend about the damage that I could suffer. He asked me the quantity and frequency of what I had taken daily and went to make some calculations. He came back white as a ghost, which alarmed me, of course. He informed me, that I should have died three times a day. Every day I should have died three times. Man, can you wrap your mind around that? I sure couldn't. At first, I thought I was the luckiest person on the face of the planet. It wasn't until later, like two years later, that I realized that I must have some purpose here on this earth. Something pretty important. So important that God saw fit to spare my life so many times a day. I didn't linger on that fact long though, I just figured that when the time came to do whatever it was that I was here to do, that I would know it. But, the time just keeps slipping away and I have never really found anything that resembled a purpose. Don't misunderstand me, I am a wife and a mother, so I have a purpose. But for other people, if that makes any sense to you? Let me explain, I am a wife, so it is my job to be the best wife I can for my husband. I want to do everything I can possibly do to make this man happy. And I am a mother, so it is my job to raise these kids the right way. To raise them up in the Lord, to teach them to love by the way I love them, to inspire them to become better people. What is my personal purpose though? What am I contributing to the world, to my community or even, to my family? Who am I? Do i know who I am outside of my family? As I said before, I do have a name. I am my own person. So, my conclusion, how do I take this new found motivation, inspiration and sense of self and apply it to my life?

The start of the chaos...

You will have to excuse me, this is my very first time even looking at a blog. I am not quite sure how they work or how to use one. I can tell you, however, what it is exactly that I want to accomplish with this blog.

I would like as much feedback as possible on the contents of this blog, you will see why later when the contents are revealed to you. I am also hoping that this will help me make some sense out of all the mess I have in my brain. This will, however, get very personal, so please...be as kind as you can but don't escape the truth. With that being said...

I did it! I finished the first four novels of my life. It may not seem much to some of you but for me, it is a huge accomplishment. You see, I have NEVER read anything in its entirety, ever. Not even through high school, I just read the clef notes. I am 33 years old and I just finished the first of four novels in my life about 2 weeks ago. Amazing huh? Now I am...at a loss for the way I feel though. Yes, there is definitely a since of accomplishment there but what else? I am almost afraid, in a way, scared of the feelings I have. Questioning the way I feel, is it right for me to feel this way? How could this story...or any story for that matter make me feel so crazy? I mean, other people respond this way, really? I went through a wave of emotions, some of which I have never had before. I quickly came to the realization that I was afraid because I had never had these kinds of feelings before. I was totally inspired! And, in several ways. I wanted to make so many changes in my life, all the sudden, and had no idea how to make those changes. Honestly, I am not even sure if these changes should be made, after all no one knows me better than myself. What would I do if I was successful with making these changes? Would I be the same person after these changes were complete? Then all at once, I understood what all this must of been leading to. I had NO freakin' idea who I was!! Then my head filled with questions. What about a story inspires? Is it conviction? Is it lust of a life you know you could never have? I didn't have the answers to any of these questions as it pertains to me but I knew I would have no problem answering this question for someone else. More questions came flooding in. What was it that I wanted so badly? Why do I all the sudden what it? I am too old for this crap! I am a wife and a mother of three; I just need to get over this. But there was a problem, I didn't want to get over this. I wanted more! I deserved more. I am not just "mom" or wife to my husband. I have my own name, and therefore, I must be my own person, with my own feelings. I realized at that point that I live my life through the people around me, my husband, my kids, and my family. I don't really have too many friends to speak of. No one that was designated for friend purposes only. I am going to have to fish through all of this on my own. Awesome. I am feeling inspired, motivated, wanting, and, to be completely honest, selfish (which completely goes against character). I had something in mind that I wanted to do and nothing was going to stand in my way of doing it. I want to write, I need to loose weight and workout. But all of this came to me in a weird way. I can't help but wonder (knowing myself the way I do) how long this was actually going to last. I read four books in 6 days and what, suddenly I was changed forever? Doubt it! I have always had some serious commitment issues. The longest thing so far to survive my wraths was my marriage and believe me when I say the word...survive! My husband is the one constant in my life. God love him, because only God knows what he goes through dealing with me. So, there you have it. As I read through those four faithful novels...I was inspired. Inspired to do several things. One- write a book. Which this is were you come in. Two-loose weight and get into shape. Again, insert you here. Three- journal to you about it. Everything, the good, the bad, and especially the ugly, which I assume there is going to be plenty of. Next, I will tell you about myself, that should be interesting enough for you. Maybe even a little unbelievable.